I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Most fashion shows these days…
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib