You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
New Tinder profile.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.