Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
not to brag, but mine was free
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.