Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
#DesignFail
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news