One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You Might Also Like
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok