[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”