Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.