[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I鈥檓 wondering why the hell I鈥檓 not.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don鈥檛 know what the hell just happened… but you鈥檙e in love.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Never make a promise you can鈥檛 reschedule.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn鈥檛 let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don鈥檛 want children.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.