“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.