JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes