“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
there has never been a better use of this meme
*praying for world peace*
God:
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.