I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.