*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Blew out my flip flop…
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.