When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
That’s enough internet for the day
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
All set.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night