I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow