My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no