Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.