a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?