[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits