Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I need a headline like this
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.