If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Good morning!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.