the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol