Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The perfect label doesn鈥檛 exi-
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they鈥檙e miniature versions of you
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep