Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
A French press is when you hug naked
🖤✌🏽
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?