Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*exercises sarcastically*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.