Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Beware…..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
😂😂😂
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?