i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.