[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Flowers bee like
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
the composer
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11