cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite