I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Bringing home a sharpie
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery