If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Risking my life for fun.