Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Best misinterpreted text ever!