My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.