Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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just gave your address to some spiders
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Thursday Thought.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.