I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.