I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
This fish is cracking me up
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Love is in the air fryer.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.