[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*