devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)