Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
first you must answer his riddles
I hate when that happens.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.