“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.