UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”