You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
You Might Also Like
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack