[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
You Might Also Like
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.