*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
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<- sleeps well with others
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.