me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
You Might Also Like
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them