Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Just me?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Writing, She Murdered.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.