Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
#Thanos #MondayMood
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.