i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Trumpy Cat
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Taliband
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.