Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
This probably isn’t good
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I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.