if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
This is I, Robot all over again
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.